A new semester has begun...

And so it begins as a another busy semester. We were able to go to church this morning together and have a quick lunch. Since then, we have been working on our respective lists trying to prepare for a fast approaching Monday that promises to be challenging.

Today at Willow there was a great sermon on the characteristics of a relationship that help determine the success of a marriage. Bill told a funny story about the book that he wrote with his wife about ten years ago. Apparently, a lot of churches use it for their pre-marital counseling workshops even now. Bill said that they have received hundreds of letters thanking them for the book. At this point in the story, I was thinking of all the happy couples who got married because of this book and wrote in to tell their sweet love story. Wrong. All of the couples who broke up and didn't get married were the ones that wrote in to say how much they appreciated the insight. That's a new marketing frame that I wouldn't have thought of...

L

Med School Semester 1: a look back

I have been woefully inattentive to all my cybersocial responsibilities for the last four months. I probably hop on facebook once every three weeks or so, I haven't blogged since August and...other stuff. It's been so long that I cannot remember what the proverbial "it" was anymore. At any rate I thought I would look back at the first semester. I expected medical school to be challenging, but it proved to be challenging in ways I was not prepared for. I discovered that I no longer learn the way I always have previously. Obviously, I understood that I could not learn everything, but at times it feels as though we learn <1% of what we need to know. It is just disconcerting and at time is can feel worlds away from "what I need to know as a doctor". Through the semester I made notes to myself about things to blog about. This was the list:
INFP
CAM
weight
Leettendance
I am not sure what all of this was supposed to mean anymore but I will try to tackle them briefly.... Lee and I went to a marriage class once a week. It was a lot of fun and one of the last activities was a myers briggs test. Lee corrected some of my answers to the personality test. But it turns out she was right...I just have negative perceptions of introverts for example. It is weird living with someone that knows you better than you know yourself.
CAM - I had intended to do a series on Complementary and Alternative Medicine...just because it is what I am asked about the most. I don't have the time to go into everything, but alternative medicine is interesting because it provides a medium to talk about conventional issues. For example, the central tenant of Chinese medicine is balance and moderation something I try to stress all the time.
My weight is one of my bigger personal struggles and I refuse to give hypocritical advice about weight loss, so I am fighting to return to and maintain a healthy weight...something I have not done since high school.
I always knew that my wife was very capable, but I suppose until recently I did not appreciate how capable. Fulltime student, parttime company executive, consulting, developing curricula, writing textbook reviews for international publications, president of an honor society, blogging, all while handling a substantially larger portion of the tasks around the house...it even seems like she has free time. I just go to school and I feel overwhelmed. There was genuine celebration when I passed all my classes. I suppose that a medical marriage isn't quite as challenging if at least one of the parties is THAT dynamic. If I think about how to attract a Hyperdynamic mate I will let you know.

JM

The Semester Is Coming To A Close

Thank goodness!!! We have almost made it to through our first semester of our medical marriage. We have learned a lot about each other and ourselves during this trying time.

We made a COMmitment when JM started med school that we would take a vacation at the end of the year. In 9 days, we leave for our anniversary vacation up to a resort in Wisconsin to celebrate our one year anniversary. We are both looking forward to the trip and counting down the days to spending 4 days together without homework or other responsibilities!

Whether it's a large vacation at the end of the semester or a celebratory dinner, plan time to renew your COMmitment to each other. It's crucial that time is carved out for renewal. From the medical marriage books and articles I have read, some couples find that by graduation, they don't know their spouse anymore. Don't less this happen in your marriage! Take proactive steps each semester to increase your COMmitment every step of the way.

You are doing it all wrong...

When reviewing performance appraisals, it's easy to tell someone all of the things that they are doing wrong. Think of the last time that someone told you all of the things you did RIGHT.

Ok, stop thinking. I'll share my last experience. I specifically asked JM to tell me the following:
I feel motivated when you...
I feel supported when you...
I feel encouraged when you...
I feel most loved when you...

When he gave me his list, I knew what mattered to him. Now that I know specifically how I can motivate/love/support/encourage him, I can increase these behaviors. I even saved the list and review it often to remind me of what's important in his eyes.

To increase your COMmittment, send your spouse a list of all of the things that they are doing right.

Alignment

When you start developing a performance appraisal, you look to the mission statement, statement of values, or purpose statement to decide what values should be incorporated into your appraisal. In marriage, our actions often fall short of our values.

What are your values? How would you rank the following:
Love
Friendship
Humor
Sex
Equality
Quality time
Communication
Common interests
Spiritual connection

Look at how you ranked these items. If love was your number one marriage value, analyze how you act this out on a daily basis. Consider how you want your spouse to act out this value of yours.

Now, think about how your spouse would rate these items. Better yet, go ask your spouse to rank these items and have a conversation about both of your choices. Look at the values that you both share. Discuss how this affects your love language and COMmittment to each other.

Are you meeting expectations?

Most people don't aim to be average. However, when you are filling out a performance appraisal average means that you are meeting expectations. In your job, meeting expectations is a good thing. But, what if you are meeting expectations in your marriage? Is that good or bad?

I've been wondering what a marriage performance appraisal would look like. Being inspired by my current class on creating an effective and fair appraisal system, I decided to start a new series.

We will start with looking at developing a performance appraisal. When you develop a PA, you need to base the appraisal on the job description. What is the job description for a wife or husband? It seems that different people bring different expectations of the role and how to live out that role. This can cause conflict in the marriage if you and your spouse do not agree on the role that each play.

The first question you have to answer is what am I measuring. When you evaluate your performance in your marriage what is the performance factor? Is it acts of service, words of affirmation, or number of gifts? Before you can decide how you are doing, you must decide what you are measuring.

Spend time evaluating how you want your performance to be measured. Do you want your spouse to only look at your intentions or is it fair to also consider the outcomes? Apply this same methodology to decide how your spouse should be evaluated.

In the next post, we will explore how to use these factors to increase your COMmitment to your spouse.

Don't Make Promises You Can't Keep

This past Monday during our Marriage Matters class, we played a fun Newlywed game. One of the questions asked about pet peeves. My biggest pet peeve is people who don't do what they say they are going to do. You might think this is a rare occurrence, but I see it on a regular basis.

For me, the severity does not matter. I experience the same distress from someone saying they will be on time and from someone who is a complete no show. I know it's not logical, but that's how my mind works.

Making promises that you can't keep is detrimental to customer service and marriage. It's similar to the boy who cried wolf. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. If you want people to believe what you say, it's important that you follow through with the promises that you make. To be more COMMitted, consciously make a choice to fulfill your promises, increasing the amount of trust in your relationship.

Lee