You are doing it all wrong...

When reviewing performance appraisals, it's easy to tell someone all of the things that they are doing wrong. Think of the last time that someone told you all of the things you did RIGHT.

Ok, stop thinking. I'll share my last experience. I specifically asked JM to tell me the following:
I feel motivated when you...
I feel supported when you...
I feel encouraged when you...
I feel most loved when you...

When he gave me his list, I knew what mattered to him. Now that I know specifically how I can motivate/love/support/encourage him, I can increase these behaviors. I even saved the list and review it often to remind me of what's important in his eyes.

To increase your COMmittment, send your spouse a list of all of the things that they are doing right.

Alignment

When you start developing a performance appraisal, you look to the mission statement, statement of values, or purpose statement to decide what values should be incorporated into your appraisal. In marriage, our actions often fall short of our values.

What are your values? How would you rank the following:
Love
Friendship
Humor
Sex
Equality
Quality time
Communication
Common interests
Spiritual connection

Look at how you ranked these items. If love was your number one marriage value, analyze how you act this out on a daily basis. Consider how you want your spouse to act out this value of yours.

Now, think about how your spouse would rate these items. Better yet, go ask your spouse to rank these items and have a conversation about both of your choices. Look at the values that you both share. Discuss how this affects your love language and COMmittment to each other.

Are you meeting expectations?

Most people don't aim to be average. However, when you are filling out a performance appraisal average means that you are meeting expectations. In your job, meeting expectations is a good thing. But, what if you are meeting expectations in your marriage? Is that good or bad?

I've been wondering what a marriage performance appraisal would look like. Being inspired by my current class on creating an effective and fair appraisal system, I decided to start a new series.

We will start with looking at developing a performance appraisal. When you develop a PA, you need to base the appraisal on the job description. What is the job description for a wife or husband? It seems that different people bring different expectations of the role and how to live out that role. This can cause conflict in the marriage if you and your spouse do not agree on the role that each play.

The first question you have to answer is what am I measuring. When you evaluate your performance in your marriage what is the performance factor? Is it acts of service, words of affirmation, or number of gifts? Before you can decide how you are doing, you must decide what you are measuring.

Spend time evaluating how you want your performance to be measured. Do you want your spouse to only look at your intentions or is it fair to also consider the outcomes? Apply this same methodology to decide how your spouse should be evaluated.

In the next post, we will explore how to use these factors to increase your COMmitment to your spouse.