Deal with Complaints

It sounds easy right? Just deal with complaints as they surface. However, most couples lean toward conflict aversion. Both parties try and let issues slide, believing they can just "let it go". But, as most of you can attest to all of those suppressed issues come to life in one explosion.

How do you prevent large explosive arguments without having a small argument everyday? I learned a long time ago that there are two extremes people fall into to: conflict aversive and conflict aggressive. As balance typically serves us well in live, we need to learn to find a balance with conflict.

If you are mad at your spouse, they shouldn't have to guess why you are mad. Now, that does not give you permission to scream a list of their offenses at them. It does not give you permission to bring up all the times you have been right. It does give you permission to calmly state how you feel and explain why you are angry, hurt, disappointed, etc. For me, I need time to work out exactly how I feel and what promoted those feelings BEFORE I can talk to JohnMark. If you don't understand how and why you feel a certain emotion, you cannot except your spouse to be psychic.

Take this customer service rule and start to apply it to your everyday married life to show your COMmittment to developing and maintaing a healthy relationship with your spouse.

Lee

The Customer is Always Right

My husband loves to say that he can choose to be right OR happy. While it is meant as a joke, this statement does have validity. In relationships, you quickly learn that it is not always about being right. People will forget what you say, but they will always remember how you made them feel.

The challenge in marriage is learning to see more than just one right opinion. As we mature, we learn that nothing is black or white because there are many shades of gray that fall in between. In order for us to have an integrative discussion, we must focus on the elements that can be agreed on. To increase your COMmittment, reflect on how your words or lack of words has effected your spouse. Instead of focusing on being right, change your frame to find points that you agree on.

Lee

Marriage Driven Excellence

Great customer service includes understanding what customers want and anticipating their future needs. It includes reducing errors, meeting individual specifications, and reducing complaints. Many business books will tell you that how a company recovers from errors will determine how many customers they retain and how many they attract. As I thought about this concept, I realized that marriage is one really long customer service test.

When you think about what to make for dinner or what birthday gift to buy, you are practicing customer service. In this case, your customer happens to be your spouse. When you leave out the bean sprouts in pad thai because you spouse doesn't like them, you are meeting a customer specification. When your husband towels off before getting out of the shower to prevent soaking the bathroom floor, he is reducing the amount of complaints he receives.

Next, examine how you recover from an argument or disagreement with your spouse. Do you tell of all your friends your frustrations? Do you give your spouse the silent treatment for a few days? Do you sleep on the couch? Or, do you let it go and enjoy the rest of the night? One of the most significant factors that determines marriage success is how the couple handles and recovers from conflict.

In the next couple weeks, I'll be covering specific customer service lessons that I have learned over the years and how they relate to building a better relationship with your spouse. These lessons will help you transform your relationship and help you recover from conflict as it occurs. Lastly, these strategies will help you become more COMmitted.

Lee

COMmitted 1st Meeting

As planned, we hosted all the married M1s at our house this Saturday night. Although several had to study, we still managed to get to know several other couples. As soon as the night began, it was easy to see how much in common we have as married couples. All of the husbands were already talking about their residency and fellowship choices regarding specialties and locations. And, the wives were already talking about all of the time their husbands are studying. All of our lives have similarly and drastically changed in the past two weeks.

At the white coat ceremony, my dad had words of wisdom to share with me as the wife of a medical student. He told me that it was important that I have my own accomplishments to be proud of. He said that a lot of spouses feel that they should also receive a diploma at the end of med school because they too sacrifice. Lucky for me, I should have my PsyD finished by then. But his advice is more than that. It's about finding the little things that make a difference and that you can be proud of. For example, one of the other wives has taken up baking. For her, she has a yummy product to show at the end of the day. This small accomplishment has a way of bringing the simple pleasures back into her life that is now mostly filled with stress.

It can be very easy to lose focus of your own accomplishments when you are supporting a spouse in med school. My hope is that COMmitted can remind of us of the reason that we sacrifice our time and energy. Whether we are spouses or med students, we can stick together and know that in the end lives will be saved and changed because of the efforts of our M1s.

Rejection

Rejection is one of the hardest emotions to deal with because it is disheartening to the human spirit. It's a hard blow regardless of who you experience rejection from. If you don't know them, you are hurt because they haven't even given you a chance. If it's someone you do know, you are hurt because they are only seeing a part of you, and most likely you feel like that part was/is completely justified.

However, rejection isn't always what it seems. Sometimes, people reject you to protect themselves. For example, if you have a spouse or close friend who is training for a marathon, it can seem that they are choosing to spend time running instead of with you. What you may not recognize is that they need to run for their own sanity and stress relief. Another example would be studying. Your spouse needs to study to prove to them self that they are still able to learn and retain information. They need to feel that they are making progress and have control over the outcome of their education or career.

There are several different way to cope with rejection. First, I'll start with what not to do. Don't retaliate by rejecting them. This only creates feelings of distrust, insecurity, and resentment. The better response is to think through your own emotions. Once you have clarified your own response to the rejection, you will better understand what triggered feelings of rejection. You can then use this self discovery to shape future responses. WARNING - this self discovery will not happen over night. You can logically tell your brain that you understand the circumstances and do not wish to feel rejected any longer. However, your emotions do not change as quickly as your brain can send the electronic message.

Lee

Things are changing...

Well, it seems I may be the new contributor for the blog. JM has started med school this week, and I'm not sure how much time he will have to contribute. That said, we are also hoping to take this blog into a different direction. We are hosting a M1 Spouse party at our house this Saturday in hopes of meeting all the married people in his class. From there, my goal is to have a group meet once a week to share frustrations and challenges.

From what we have read, the infamous long hours of studying in med school can take a toll on any relationship. To reduce the stress, all of the experts recommending spending time with others who are in the same boat. The weekly meetings are not designed to be complaining session, but they are more designed to build friendships with people who understand the complications med school can present. A lot of the students have moved here specifically for med school and do not have a family or friends support system in place. Hopefully, we can help to fill this gap within the group.

Lee

On Negotiations

Lee can negotiate anything. It is an innate ability that she honed long before she read You Can Negotiate Anything. I oft regale people with the time that Lee almost returned an item over $20 to Target without a receipt. You see in the before time of the long, long ago there was determined woman with a singular mission, to return a hamper from the Target Home Collection...without any proof of purchase. [Thunder clashes] We sauntered, defiantly adorned in red garments herself. The children's play spaceship stopped as she entered the doors, it recognized the gravity of what was about to transpire. She placed the unopened hamper on the counter and coyly smiled as she revealed that she wanted to return the item...without any proof of purchase. [Thunder clashes] The cashier went through the traditional formalities. The item registered in the system, indeed identical items were on the shelves in that very store. The cashier read the Target policy as though they were Miranda rights. "You have the right to accept this policy, shut up, take your purchases and leave." Within minutes the store manager made his way to the counter, then the corporate office was called, then someone from Legal. The store manager stood bewildered "she's actually going to do this." They threw so many compromises: "could you give us the credit card number?" Nope. "Could you tell us in what store and what month the item was purchased?" Nope. The corporate office recognized the only amicable thing would be to return the item. Their item that could be returned no where else. But if they allowed that to happen, for a tear to form in their canvas bubble, the institution would fall. She would write books on how to return things to Target and nothing would stop the pursuit of Western purchase satisfaction. There would be a new Declaration espousing the right to life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness and returning unwanted purchases. In the end, swords flashed, sparks flew and the two parted with respectful nods of strength. The unreasonably extravagant hamper was given as a gift to another friend. Here, this is your problem now.

In the end we are all left to wonder, why do we persistently shop at Target?

Sometimes I am inspired by wife and I am happy to report that I have successfully negotiated the University of Chicago Hospital to repair a leak it should have repaired years ago. Take that complacency!

-JohnMark