When you start developing a performance appraisal, you look to the mission statement, statement of values, or purpose statement to decide what values should be incorporated into your appraisal. In marriage, our actions often fall short of our values.
What are your values? How would you rank the following:
Love
Friendship
Humor
Sex
Equality
Quality time
Communication
Common interests
Spiritual connection
Look at how you ranked these items. If love was your number one marriage value, analyze how you act this out on a daily basis. Consider how you want your spouse to act out this value of yours.
Now, think about how your spouse would rate these items. Better yet, go ask your spouse to rank these items and have a conversation about both of your choices. Look at the values that you both share. Discuss how this affects your love language and COMmittment to each other.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Are you meeting expectations?
Most people don't aim to be average. However, when you are filling out a performance appraisal average means that you are meeting expectations. In your job, meeting expectations is a good thing. But, what if you are meeting expectations in your marriage? Is that good or bad?
I've been wondering what a marriage performance appraisal would look like. Being inspired by my current class on creating an effective and fair appraisal system, I decided to start a new series.
We will start with looking at developing a performance appraisal. When you develop a PA, you need to base the appraisal on the job description. What is the job description for a wife or husband? It seems that different people bring different expectations of the role and how to live out that role. This can cause conflict in the marriage if you and your spouse do not agree on the role that each play.
The first question you have to answer is what am I measuring. When you evaluate your performance in your marriage what is the performance factor? Is it acts of service, words of affirmation, or number of gifts? Before you can decide how you are doing, you must decide what you are measuring.
Spend time evaluating how you want your performance to be measured. Do you want your spouse to only look at your intentions or is it fair to also consider the outcomes? Apply this same methodology to decide how your spouse should be evaluated.
In the next post, we will explore how to use these factors to increase your COMmitment to your spouse.
I've been wondering what a marriage performance appraisal would look like. Being inspired by my current class on creating an effective and fair appraisal system, I decided to start a new series.
We will start with looking at developing a performance appraisal. When you develop a PA, you need to base the appraisal on the job description. What is the job description for a wife or husband? It seems that different people bring different expectations of the role and how to live out that role. This can cause conflict in the marriage if you and your spouse do not agree on the role that each play.
The first question you have to answer is what am I measuring. When you evaluate your performance in your marriage what is the performance factor? Is it acts of service, words of affirmation, or number of gifts? Before you can decide how you are doing, you must decide what you are measuring.
Spend time evaluating how you want your performance to be measured. Do you want your spouse to only look at your intentions or is it fair to also consider the outcomes? Apply this same methodology to decide how your spouse should be evaluated.
In the next post, we will explore how to use these factors to increase your COMmitment to your spouse.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Don't Make Promises You Can't Keep
This past Monday during our Marriage Matters class, we played a fun Newlywed game. One of the questions asked about pet peeves. My biggest pet peeve is people who don't do what they say they are going to do. You might think this is a rare occurrence, but I see it on a regular basis.
For me, the severity does not matter. I experience the same distress from someone saying they will be on time and from someone who is a complete no show. I know it's not logical, but that's how my mind works.
Making promises that you can't keep is detrimental to customer service and marriage. It's similar to the boy who cried wolf. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. If you want people to believe what you say, it's important that you follow through with the promises that you make. To be more COMMitted, consciously make a choice to fulfill your promises, increasing the amount of trust in your relationship.
Lee
For me, the severity does not matter. I experience the same distress from someone saying they will be on time and from someone who is a complete no show. I know it's not logical, but that's how my mind works.
Making promises that you can't keep is detrimental to customer service and marriage. It's similar to the boy who cried wolf. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. If you want people to believe what you say, it's important that you follow through with the promises that you make. To be more COMMitted, consciously make a choice to fulfill your promises, increasing the amount of trust in your relationship.
Lee
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Throw in Something Extra
If you have read much about customer satisfaction research lately, you may have seen a new trend regarding customer satiation. The research shows that to actually satisfy customers, you have to do something that exceeds their expectations. One more time, for a customer to be satisfied, you must do more than they expect.
Customer service goals were previously about meeting the customer's standards. Now, the new wave of research contradicts that. To satisfy a customer, you do not have to perform a grandiose act. It could be something small like responding to an email within 12 hours when the policy states that you have 24 hours to respond. It could also be something as simple as giving them a coupon thanking them for their business.
You may start to see an inherent problem with customer satisfaction. If you start doing things that are unexpected, the customer's expectations will change. To counter this, companies must always be one step ahead and constantly find new things that they can do to exceed expectations.
How does this relate to marriage? Your spouse is most likely satisfied when their expectations are met. However, those expectations also change over time. Thus, you must constantly seek to identify these changing expectations. This week I challenge you to have an honest, open conversation with your spouse about their expectations. Once you know what they expect, try and add a little love to exceed those expectations with random acts of kindness.
Lee
Customer service goals were previously about meeting the customer's standards. Now, the new wave of research contradicts that. To satisfy a customer, you do not have to perform a grandiose act. It could be something small like responding to an email within 12 hours when the policy states that you have 24 hours to respond. It could also be something as simple as giving them a coupon thanking them for their business.
You may start to see an inherent problem with customer satisfaction. If you start doing things that are unexpected, the customer's expectations will change. To counter this, companies must always be one step ahead and constantly find new things that they can do to exceed expectations.
How does this relate to marriage? Your spouse is most likely satisfied when their expectations are met. However, those expectations also change over time. Thus, you must constantly seek to identify these changing expectations. This week I challenge you to have an honest, open conversation with your spouse about their expectations. Once you know what they expect, try and add a little love to exceed those expectations with random acts of kindness.
Lee
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Deal with Complaints
It sounds easy right? Just deal with complaints as they surface. However, most couples lean toward conflict aversion. Both parties try and let issues slide, believing they can just "let it go". But, as most of you can attest to all of those suppressed issues come to life in one explosion.
How do you prevent large explosive arguments without having a small argument everyday? I learned a long time ago that there are two extremes people fall into to: conflict aversive and conflict aggressive. As balance typically serves us well in live, we need to learn to find a balance with conflict.
If you are mad at your spouse, they shouldn't have to guess why you are mad. Now, that does not give you permission to scream a list of their offenses at them. It does not give you permission to bring up all the times you have been right. It does give you permission to calmly state how you feel and explain why you are angry, hurt, disappointed, etc. For me, I need time to work out exactly how I feel and what promoted those feelings BEFORE I can talk to JohnMark. If you don't understand how and why you feel a certain emotion, you cannot except your spouse to be psychic.
Take this customer service rule and start to apply it to your everyday married life to show your COMmittment to developing and maintaing a healthy relationship with your spouse.
Lee
How do you prevent large explosive arguments without having a small argument everyday? I learned a long time ago that there are two extremes people fall into to: conflict aversive and conflict aggressive. As balance typically serves us well in live, we need to learn to find a balance with conflict.
If you are mad at your spouse, they shouldn't have to guess why you are mad. Now, that does not give you permission to scream a list of their offenses at them. It does not give you permission to bring up all the times you have been right. It does give you permission to calmly state how you feel and explain why you are angry, hurt, disappointed, etc. For me, I need time to work out exactly how I feel and what promoted those feelings BEFORE I can talk to JohnMark. If you don't understand how and why you feel a certain emotion, you cannot except your spouse to be psychic.
Take this customer service rule and start to apply it to your everyday married life to show your COMmittment to developing and maintaing a healthy relationship with your spouse.
Lee
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
The Customer is Always Right
My husband loves to say that he can choose to be right OR happy. While it is meant as a joke, this statement does have validity. In relationships, you quickly learn that it is not always about being right. People will forget what you say, but they will always remember how you made them feel.
The challenge in marriage is learning to see more than just one right opinion. As we mature, we learn that nothing is black or white because there are many shades of gray that fall in between. In order for us to have an integrative discussion, we must focus on the elements that can be agreed on. To increase your COMmittment, reflect on how your words or lack of words has effected your spouse. Instead of focusing on being right, change your frame to find points that you agree on.
Lee
The challenge in marriage is learning to see more than just one right opinion. As we mature, we learn that nothing is black or white because there are many shades of gray that fall in between. In order for us to have an integrative discussion, we must focus on the elements that can be agreed on. To increase your COMmittment, reflect on how your words or lack of words has effected your spouse. Instead of focusing on being right, change your frame to find points that you agree on.
Lee
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Marriage Driven Excellence
Great customer service includes understanding what customers want and anticipating their future needs. It includes reducing errors, meeting individual specifications, and reducing complaints. Many business books will tell you that how a company recovers from errors will determine how many customers they retain and how many they attract. As I thought about this concept, I realized that marriage is one really long customer service test.
When you think about what to make for dinner or what birthday gift to buy, you are practicing customer service. In this case, your customer happens to be your spouse. When you leave out the bean sprouts in pad thai because you spouse doesn't like them, you are meeting a customer specification. When your husband towels off before getting out of the shower to prevent soaking the bathroom floor, he is reducing the amount of complaints he receives.
Next, examine how you recover from an argument or disagreement with your spouse. Do you tell of all your friends your frustrations? Do you give your spouse the silent treatment for a few days? Do you sleep on the couch? Or, do you let it go and enjoy the rest of the night? One of the most significant factors that determines marriage success is how the couple handles and recovers from conflict.
In the next couple weeks, I'll be covering specific customer service lessons that I have learned over the years and how they relate to building a better relationship with your spouse. These lessons will help you transform your relationship and help you recover from conflict as it occurs. Lastly, these strategies will help you become more COMmitted.
Lee
When you think about what to make for dinner or what birthday gift to buy, you are practicing customer service. In this case, your customer happens to be your spouse. When you leave out the bean sprouts in pad thai because you spouse doesn't like them, you are meeting a customer specification. When your husband towels off before getting out of the shower to prevent soaking the bathroom floor, he is reducing the amount of complaints he receives.
Next, examine how you recover from an argument or disagreement with your spouse. Do you tell of all your friends your frustrations? Do you give your spouse the silent treatment for a few days? Do you sleep on the couch? Or, do you let it go and enjoy the rest of the night? One of the most significant factors that determines marriage success is how the couple handles and recovers from conflict.
In the next couple weeks, I'll be covering specific customer service lessons that I have learned over the years and how they relate to building a better relationship with your spouse. These lessons will help you transform your relationship and help you recover from conflict as it occurs. Lastly, these strategies will help you become more COMmitted.
Lee
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